These past few months, I am being raw and honest when I say I have experienced more self-doubt than I think I ever have; not only in running, but also in life. People say your 20’s are the best decade; well let me just say, I highly disagree. I think that in my 20’s I have experienced more highs and lows than any other time of my life. I have constantly questioned myself and the decisions I have made. Self-doubt is a horrible thing. It makes you question every cell in your being. It crushes your hopes and your dreams, and even worse, it limits your potential.
When I was younger I always had a plan, and in a sense, it made life easy. Everything was simple. Make good grades in high school so you can go to a good college. Get into a good college, continue to excel, and then go on to a get a graduate degree to get ahead of the curve. And then what… Get a job? Get another graduate degree? What if you’re not sure? What if what you always told yourself you were going to do and who you always told yourself you were going to be isn’t what you want. Then what? Well, I think this is the first time when we really come face to face with life.
Life is never what you expect and definitely never what you plan for. If you would have told me ten years ago that I would be living in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, without a set career path, I would have had a mix of an anxiety attack and a nervous breakdown. I tend to get so caught up in what I think I should be doing and what my version of success looks like that I lose sight of the fact that the essence and greatness of life is that it is unpredictable. For us Type A personalities, unpredictability is a struggle. It brings us comfort to think that once we make a plan and stick to it, we have control. But we have to let go of that urge to always in be in the driver’s seat. Let it bring you comfort that life’s circumstances are beyond your control. Even when something goes awry and we feel like the world is ending, the sun always seems to come out the next morning. The fact that life is spontaneous and unpredictable is what makes life so amazing. We should embrace this. We can do anything. We can throw our plans to the wayside and chase down a dream. There are no limits to what we can do.
All of these thoughts stem from a deep self-doubt inside of me that I am currently fighting. I have no idea if my dream of qualifying for the Olympic Marathon Trials will ever be realized. Even when I’m healthy and back to my normal training routine, I will never be as talented as most of the professional runners I see racing and flying around the track. I am over 10 minutes away from the qualifying standard. That is a whole hell of a lot! And right now, as I struggle to heal from this injury, I can’t even put the work in to attempt get to the next level. All I can do is heal and be smart with my recovery in the hope that I can get back to the grind soon. But more importantly than that, I can learn to believe in myself. I don’t have the talent of Shalane Flanagan or Emma Coburn or Jenny Simpson, but I do have a fire inside me. I have a desire and fight to push my body to its very limits. There will be the doubters, including yourself at times, but you can’t give up on yourself nor should you ever lose sight of your dreams. There will be days when you wonder if it will ever be worthwhile. Fight through those days and it will give you a fire, a grit, an extra level that you can dig down into on the day when it matters. Never limit yourself. If you truly want a goal, with every piece of your heart, and believe you deserve it, then you can do it; you will do it. Like my dad said to me this week, “Nobody knows the size of your heart, so go catch that dream.”
