Yesterday I ran 5 miles (the farthest I have been allowed to run since that fateful day in May when I got diagnosed with a sacral stress fracture). And this week, I am allowed to bring my mileage up to 20. This is huge! I should be overjoyed! But instead, I have this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I will never get back to where I once was. This being my first real injury, I’m a newbie at handling the ‘return to running’ aspect, and selfishly, instead of feeling grateful, I am struggling to stop obsessing about how much fitness I feel that I have lost. Throughout these last (LONG) four months of not running, I have had a constant fear in the back of my mind that all my hard-earned fitness I worked so hard for is slowly melting away. Every morning as I scroll through social media and see so many people running farther and faster, it is hard not to feel depressed. It’s not that I want other people to fail, but it’s as if I have forgotten what those feelings of euphoria feel like and I am overwhelmed by wanting to feel it again.
While I was in the thick of my injury, I would motivate myself during my cross-training workouts by envisioning my return to running. I knew it would be a struggle, but I thought about how I would appreciate every single step and how happy I would be to be back in my element. As much as I want to say that this is the case, it is simply not true. In reality, running has not been as wonderful and picture-perfect as I had hoped. It’s not the effortless, floating on air feeling we experience when we’re fit. Instead, it is more of an awkward trudging type motion that leaves you feeling exhausted after each run (no matter how short and slow) and in constant paranoia of the pain of your injury coming back. My legs hurt. My lungs hurt. My core hurts. Everything feels like it is working 10 times harder than usual. As I gasp for air, I fight back thoughts of how much harder everything is compared to what I’m used to. It all just feels wrong. I know I should feel grateful; and I am. I know that I would rather be where I am now, running and feeling like shit, but running nonetheless. However, it doesn’t change the fact that running feels off.
There is a lot of talk about the sadness one feels during an injury, but what is many times left unspoken is how hard it is to handle the process of coming back to running and dealing with the self-doubt that comes with each and every step. It is hard to come to terms with the realization that it will take a lot of time before you come close to being as fit as you used to be and it is even scarier to think of how you will surpass that fitness to reach even greater heights. I have found that along with the struggles that come with dealing with an injury, returning to running is also one of the biggest mental challenges that I will face. I know I have a lot of humbling moments ahead, but I also know that every day I do the right thing with my training, I am one step closer to being back where I want to be. I will do my best once the workouts start, I will take it super easy on recovery days, and I will listen to what my body needs. I will be patient with myself and my training and I will have faith that my fitness WILL come back. I have to believe that l will make it back with a level of grit and determination that I did not have before because I will know just how far I have come. Here is my vow to stop the comparisons and trust in the process. I am running and I am grateful to be finding my way back home.
“Don’t try to rush progress. Remember- a step forward, no matter how small, is a step in the right direction. Keep believing.”