Month: October 2017

These past few weeks I couldn’t make myself sit down and write a blog post. I felt lost, hopeless, and feeling like hiding out for an extended period of time in an attempt to not have to answer questions about how I was doing. Today, however, is a new day. I am not miraculously healthy, but I am doing everything in my power to get there. After an MRI and seeing multiple doctors, I think we have finally hit the nail on the head with what my issue is. The short and sweet answer is that my biomechanics are causing excessive load and sheering forces on my low back and sacrum, causing my sacroiliac joints to get inflamed. So how do I fix this? Simple, all I have to do is fix my running form. HA! Is that a joke?! How in the world am I supposed to change something I have been ingraining in my mind and body for millions and millions of miles?!

Initially, the thought of attempting to change my form (which I have apparently been doing incorrectly for the past 20 years) was incredibly daunting. But after the initial shock wore off, (and countless google searches on correcting running biomechanics had been done) I realized that while fixing running form is far from an easy task, it is not impossible. It will take a lot of time and a lot of patience. It will take lots of drills, strength training, conscious effort on every single run, and hard work. It will be an uphill battle; but I am up for the challenge.

I wanted to write this post to reflect and remind myself just how wonderful the human body is. I spend so much time being mad and frustrated at my body for being injured or not being able to keep up with what I want it to do, that I forget about how much I should be grateful for. I go out day after day, sometimes on pavement, hit it with the force of 2-3 times my body weight for up to 26 miles at a time, and every time I expect it to perform up to my unrealistic expectations. Most of humanity struggles to go out and run one mile, yet we, as runners, go out mile after mile pushing our bodies to the brink of its limit. It only makes sense that the body is going to break down sometimes (WE ARE HUMAN)! It is important to stop feeling so angry if it doesn’t choose “the right time”…I don’t think the right time ever really exists, right?

If you ran great every day, you would never truly appreciate it. It is the lows, the challenges we go through, that make the ups the most cherished moments in our lives. The feeling I get when I cross the finish line knowing that I overcame the challenges, did what I needed to do, and reached my goal, is the best feeling I experience on this Earth. That feeling is why I run. If you are injured, frustrated, lost, whatever it may be, just trust that it is the setbacks that make us stronger. You will come back and it will be worth it. Make sure you listen to your body and appreciate it for all that it is. Most importantly, believe in its miraculous ability and trust that it will pave the path to take it you to your dreams.

“Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow’.”

“Nothing in my life has ever broken my heart the way running has, and yet I cannot breathe without it.” -The wise words of Kara Goucher

Last week I started feeling the same pain in my sacrum that I felt in May. I was convinced it was a phantom pain or something my mind was creating because I was paranoid of getting hurt again. It couldn’t be anything serious. I was being so cautious in all aspects of my recovery- rebuilding my mileage 10-20% each week, strength training with my physical therapist 2-3x a week, focusing on my nutrition and making sure to get enough calcium and vitamin D. I was only up to 23 miles a week! My weekly mileage was the equivalent of what my long run was supposed to be. How could I have another injury?!

A few weeks back I wrote about the journey of coming back from an injury. I equated this journey to something like a dance, where you push the boundaries, test the limits, and  learn when to pull back. I spoke of the fact that there is not a linear path to recovery; instead it is more of a messy, curvy, frustrating path that leaves you feeling like giving up. It is with a heavy heart that I say I am back on this messy path; I am back in the part of the dance where I just can’t figure out the right moves.

Yesterday I saw my physical therapist and he believes I have a bone reaction. On the spectrum of healthy bone to stress fracture, it’s on the low end (which is positive), but I can’t help but feel frustrated and discouraged. I feel like my body is telling me that maybe I’m not meant to be a runner. Maybe my dreams that I envision and desire with every cell in my being aren’t in the cards for me. I am devoting my life to this dream and feel like at every turn I am being knocked flat on my face.

I’m trying so hard to think of the silver lining. I know rehab, recovery, and rebuilding is a process and I’m trying to keep my head up. When I texted my coach yesterday to give him the update, his words were a sense of comfort and motivation. “This is not where your story ends.” I am hanging on to these words with dear life and doing everything in my power to stay positive.

This journey is not easy. Running is so closely tied to who I am that when I can’t do it, I truly feel like a part of me is dead. All I want is to feel alive again. I have to be brave because as the saying goes, “the moment you are ready to quit is usually the moment right before a miracle happens.” Even though it seems like everything is telling me to quit, I just can’t give up. It’s not in my DNA. If I were in a race, and got passed with less than a mile to go, what would I do? Would I throw in the towel and say it’s not my day? Hell no. I would fight as hard as I possibly could to win that race. And that is what I will do now. Life may keep throwing me curve balls, I don’t care. I will not stop fighting for my dreams.