“Nothing in my life has ever broken my heart the way running has, and yet I cannot breathe without it.” -The wise words of Kara Goucher
Last week I started feeling the same pain in my sacrum that I felt in May. I was convinced it was a phantom pain or something my mind was creating because I was paranoid of getting hurt again. It couldn’t be anything serious. I was being so cautious in all aspects of my recovery- rebuilding my mileage 10-20% each week, strength training with my physical therapist 2-3x a week, focusing on my nutrition and making sure to get enough calcium and vitamin D. I was only up to 23 miles a week! My weekly mileage was the equivalent of what my long run was supposed to be. How could I have another injury?!
A few weeks back I wrote about the journey of coming back from an injury. I equated this journey to something like a dance, where you push the boundaries, test the limits, and learn when to pull back. I spoke of the fact that there is not a linear path to recovery; instead it is more of a messy, curvy, frustrating path that leaves you feeling like giving up. It is with a heavy heart that I say I am back on this messy path; I am back in the part of the dance where I just can’t figure out the right moves.
Yesterday I saw my physical therapist and he believes I have a bone reaction. On the spectrum of healthy bone to stress fracture, it’s on the low end (which is positive), but I can’t help but feel frustrated and discouraged. I feel like my body is telling me that maybe I’m not meant to be a runner. Maybe my dreams that I envision and desire with every cell in my being aren’t in the cards for me. I am devoting my life to this dream and feel like at every turn I am being knocked flat on my face.
I’m trying so hard to think of the silver lining. I know rehab, recovery, and rebuilding is a process and I’m trying to keep my head up. When I texted my coach yesterday to give him the update, his words were a sense of comfort and motivation. “This is not where your story ends.” I am hanging on to these words with dear life and doing everything in my power to stay positive.
This journey is not easy. Running is so closely tied to who I am that when I can’t do it, I truly feel like a part of me is dead. All I want is to feel alive again. I have to be brave because as the saying goes, “the moment you are ready to quit is usually the moment right before a miracle happens.” Even though it seems like everything is telling me to quit, I just can’t give up. It’s not in my DNA. If I were in a race, and got passed with less than a mile to go, what would I do? Would I throw in the towel and say it’s not my day? Hell no. I would fight as hard as I possibly could to win that race. And that is what I will do now. Life may keep throwing me curve balls, I don’t care. I will not stop fighting for my dreams.
I too believe that this is not where your story ends. But I also know for a fact that as a human being, you are so much more than just a runner. Hang on to hope, and fight like hell, but also don’t forget that there’s so much more to you than this! Praying for a swift recovery! Te quiero Bebino.