Life Unfiltered

A few days ago I finished reading the book, What Made Maddy Run- The Secret Struggles and Tragic Death of an All-American Teen. As I was reading the book, I sent this text to my parents and my brother, 

“This book is strikingly similar to many past emotions I have felt throughout my life. It is enormously sad, but also something I think all people should be aware of. For my birthday, I want you guys to read this for me. As I read the book, I literally find myself tearing up because so many details hit so close to home. I feel as if this could have been me. I’m so grateful for the three of you and your unconditional love and endless support.”

This book is the story of a seemingly perfect girl. Madison Holleran grew up in Allendale, New Jersey attending Northern Highlands High School where she was a star athlete and diligent student, popular among both boys and girls. Maddy led the Northern Highlands soccer team to two state championships, scoring 30 goals in a single season, and, even though she didn’t start running track until her sophomore year, won the New Jersey state title in the 800-meter run in her senior year. She was heavily recruited for soccer, but when an Ivy League school showed interest in her for her running, she took the offer.

When Madison began her freshman year at the University of Pennsylvania, things took a turn for the worse. As athletic and academic pressures ramped up, Maddy, who was used to succeeding at everything in her life, began to doubt her own abilities. Kate Fagan, the author of What Made Maddy Run, describes Maddy’s struggles in the book. 

“She would get up early for morning practice only to arrive at classes feeling zapped of energy, which caused her anxiety about how she would make it through afternoon practice. At afternoon practice, she would stress about what she might have missed in class because she was tired, and by the time the day’s obligations were over, she had little energy left to go out and develop the kind of natural, easy friendships she’d had in high school.”

Although she felt like she was sinking deeper and deeper into a hole that she couldn’t climb out of, Madison was still able to portray an image of perfection on her Instagram feed. She filled her Instagram with shots that seemed to confirm everyone’s expectations that she was loving her first year of college. But the reality is, everyone presents an edited version of life on social media. People share moments that reflect an ideal life, an ideal self, not a real self. It makes sense that social media should provoke anxiety as we spend a significant chunk of each day absorbing others’ filtered images while we walk through our own realities, unfiltered. 

We currently live in a world where we are bombarded by images on social media of others’ lives that seem perfect and it leaves us feeling like we have to somehow match these impossible expectations. I know it is a trap that is easy to fall into (I am guilty of it almost every day), but we must learn that life is not composed of a string of edited pictures that people post on social media. Everyone has their own struggles, whether they choose to show them to the world or not. As perfect as someone’s life may seem, nobody is immune to the hardship that inevitably comes with life.

My senior year of high school I decided that I was not going to run competitively in college (something that I had planned on doing ever since I started running). While that was one of the hardest decisions I ever made, looking back on it now, I think that decision may have saved my life. I cannot imagine having had the additional pressure of competing on a Division 1 Track and Field team, while also trying to manage the academic rigor and social pressures that come with adjusting to the first year of college. 

As I transitioned from the effortless ease of high school to college at Duke University, my first few months there were some of the darkest, most emotional times of my life. I felt like everyone was smarter than me, more successful than me, more “put together” than me. However, if I look back on my social media or pictures of the time, it looks like I was having the time of my life. I felt that I had to portray this perfect image of myself that everyone was so accustomed to, and besides my parents and close friends from back home, nobody had any idea how I was truly feeling.

My whole life I had identified as a runner and without that title in college, I was at a loss as to who I really was. Additionally, I felt like I had to remain the ‘popular’ girl who everyone loved. I was constantly putting on a smile to the world, while underneath the facade, I felt like I was sinking and sinking further into a vast ocean and didn’t know how to come up for air. Little by little, with the help of a few close friends and the unconditional love of my family, I was able to find my way. I was one of the lucky ones. Every year, more than 40,000 Americans die by suicide. Among young adults, ages 10 to 24, suicide is the second-leading cause of death, with more than 4,500 young people taking their lives each year. Between 2004 and 2012, 35 student-athletes took their own lives.

Freshman year of college can be like running an obstacle course wearing a blindfold. Nothing prepares you for the transition, yet you go in with the expectation that everything will be fun and effortless. Madison was beautiful, talented, successful — very nearly the epitome of what every young girl is supposed to hope she becomes. But she was also a perfectionist who struggled when she performed poorly. She was a deep thinker who was aware of the image she portrayed to the outside world, and someone who often struggled with what that image conveyed about her, with how people superficially read who she was, what her life was like.

A week after Madison died, on January 23, 2014, the family launched a Facebook page, “In Memory of Madison Holleran”, which has more than 130,000 likes. The site is dedicated to suicide prevention and ending the stigma attached to mental illness. Included on the page are stories of Madison, and stories from people struggling with depression, looking for a community.

This book is a must-read for all. It portrays the unattainable version of perfection that so many of us struggle with and brings to the forefront the mental health epidemic that is taking our country by storm. If you or anyone you know are struggling, please reach out for help. You are not alone. And to those out there reading this who are struggling, please remember, whoever you are, you are enough.  As hard as it is to believe, I promise there is light and hope at the end of the tunnel. 

“Think of all the beauty that’s still left in and around you and be happy.”              -Anne Frank