One month ago I raced the CIM Marathon, and in this time my emotions have ranged from devastation and disappointment to acceptance, forgiveness and ultimately, gratitude. Before the start, I stood on the line with the most confidence I have ever had before a race. I can honestly say that in my 10-week build, I ran my fastest workouts with the most mileage under my belt. I truly believed this was going to be my race. But in a marathon, nothing is guaranteed; sometimes the inexplicable happens and all you can do is try your best to accept it and move forward. As I passed the 10 mile mark, my quads felt tight and I knew something was wrong. By halfway, I was already off goal pace and my quads were getting more painful with each step. I saw my boyfriend a few miles later and told him I was done. I stopped…and then I started again. This couldn’t be the end. Mile 20 came and went and each moment I kept falling further and further into despair. All the training, all the sacrifice, all the hours spent dedicated to the pursuit of this one goal and here it was, all slipping away. At mile 21, I stopped, cried, held my boyfriend’s hand and asked him what to do. He told me to finish, he knew I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I didn’t. And so I started again. Those final 16 miles were a death march and when I took the final turn and saw the finish, I was consumed by a sadness so deep it is hard to put into words. It doesn’t matter that I ran faster and longer in training, what matters is what you do race day, and unfortunately it just wasn’t in the cards for me. I don’t expect the disappointment to subside anytime soon, but I have come to terms with it and am moving forward. I am more than a number on a clock and I have so much to be grateful for. While I dreamed of coming home with an Olympic Trials Qualifier, I choose to accept the outcome, forgive myself and focus on the abundance of love around me. Life doesn’t always turn out the way we hope, but sometimes it is the things we least expect and that hurt the most that end up teaching us the most about ourselves. Life is about the journey, not the destination and I can’t wait to see all that awaits for me. ✨
