Ever since June 2020, I have developed a deep level of anxiety when it comes to running. Ironically, this anxiety has nothing to do with splits or running fast; it simply comes from a desire to run pain-free. I spent the first half of 2020 on an emotional high from achieving my lifelong running dream, and the second half physically and emotionally struggling through chronic high-hamstring tendinopathy. As a result, almost all of 2021 and the first couple months of 2022, I spent NOT running so that I could try and let my body heal. Somehow in this span of time, I have developed a debilitating fear around injury and feeling like I will never be able to get back to running the way I used to.
As a runner, we all know that it is normal to experience pains or niggles in training; it’s almost weird to not feel anything. But it is as if my brain has forgotten that this is part of what running is. Anytime I feel anything that is more than soreness, my brain goes into a panic that this will be another long-term issue that will force me to take months off. Part of me thinks the anxiety in itself is causing some of the random injuries that keep popping up. Is my body so tense that it is causing my muscles to tighten up more than normal? Is my deep desire to get back to training causing me to make dumb mistakes? Is my body trying to tell me it’s had enough? The constant injury cycle has gotten to the point that I feel humiliated to answer my friends when they ask me how my running is going. I don’t want to lie and say it’s great, because it is far from it, but I also don’t want to be the constant ‘injured girl’ who everyone thinks is insane.
There is a part of me that almost wishes I didn’t love running and training so much because it would be easier to hang up my shoes and just focus on my career and starting a family. I know in a few years, there will come a time when my fastest times are behind me, but right now there is still a piece of me that is not ready to give it up yet. Of course, all of this is muddled with the fact that there is a big piece of running that is tied to my identity and self-worth and struggling to love who I am without it. I do think that if I can find a way to stay healthy (any recommendations/advice are highly appreciated!) then I will be able to enjoy the process, even on the days when the workouts or races aren’t where I think they ‘should’ be. Right now, my biggest hurdle is getting past the panic that I feel anytime I feel anything and thinking that everything is going to turn into a long-term injury.
I don’t have an answer to my current predicament. I have been trying to reflect on my values and what type of person I am aspiring to be. I wrote down that my family and friends matter to me, that I want to make this world a better place, and that I want to be the best person I can be. I wrote down that I want to be kind, inspiring, compassionate, and brave. None of these values or aspirations represent the ability to run fast so why do I want that so bad? Again, I’m not sure. I am going to keep trying to discover why it is that running matters so much to me, and I will keep hoping that I will soon find a way to be able to do what I love without the constant anxiety that it will be taken away from me. I’m not sure if sharing this will help anyone else going through a similar struggle, but I wanted to put it out to the world for the sheer possibility that it could. Keep believing, keep hoping, and keep striving.